I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
