Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
