loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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