what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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