im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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