How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
