Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My ATM looks so different sober.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
