I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
