Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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