ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
