but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
