Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
