While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
