WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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