What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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