kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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