Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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