I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize