Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
