just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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