HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
