I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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