If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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