in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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