gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
