You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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