exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
