I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
