There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
