being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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