In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
