Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
