Moan for me like Helen Keller
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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