the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
