Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
