i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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