oh god the rape fog is back!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
