just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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