Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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