last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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