That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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