you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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