hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
