Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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