I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
