I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
