his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You pole danced in your parka.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
