i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
