You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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