You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
