nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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