she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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