You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
