Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
