He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
