Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How does one acquire holy water?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
