miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
