I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
