yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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