Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
