Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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